


Memoirs of a Son

by sebayard



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Angst with a Hopeful Ending, Character Study, F/M, Family Drama, Future Fic, ML Secret Santa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-18
Updated: 2017-12-18
Packaged: 2019-02-16 16:41:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13057986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sebayard/pseuds/sebayard
Summary: "For Adrien, there are moments from his childhood that he can remember with amazing clarity, like items in a time capsule, frozen and untouched, waiting to be pulled out by a familiar hand and re-lived as if no time has passed at all. These moments ground him, keep him safe from the onslaught of emotions he has difficulty controlling. Small beacons of light when his world begins to be a little too dark along the edges."Adrien has trouble staying grounded after an akuma leaves him shaken.





	Memoirs of a Son

**Author's Note:**

> This is my gift for @ineedasideblogforfanart for the ML Secret Santa 2017 exchange. I hope you enjoy it!

For Adrien, there are moments from his childhood that he can remember with amazing clarity, like items in a time capsule, frozen and untouched, waiting to be pulled out by a familiar hand and re-lived as if no time has passed at all. These moments ground him, keep him safe from the onslaught of emotions he has difficulty controlling. Small beacons of light when his world begins to be a little too dark along the edges.

Adrien draws upon these moments often, but he started accessing them even more when he became Chat Noir four years ago. It’s stressful, having the safety of Paris resting on his shoulders even though he’s not alone. He knows that Ladybug feels it too, and Plagg, although the kwami doesn’t show it. He wonders how they cope, how they keep the dark edges at bay. He remembers talking to Marinette about it, soon after they revealed their identities and started dating. Her answer had been simple, then. “The people around me ground me.” He wonders if her answer is the same now, two years later. Perhaps, one day, he’ll ask. But not now, because right now Chat Noir is yet again busy fighting off the influence of an akuma. This particular villain is called Colére, and he is Anger and Fury in full force, feeding off and spreading rage like a virus. Chat feels it creeping at the corners of his mind, feasting on him, waiting for him to crack but he won’t, he won’t, he-

_He’s five years old and it’s his first snowfall._

_It’s the day after Christmas. There is still wrapping paper scattered along the floor, discarded toys laying in all corners of the room, gingerbread crumbs waiting to be vacuumed by the maid. It is a quiet evening in the Agreste household, save for the soft pit-pat of Adrien’s own feet as he zooms across the floor. He races to each window in the house, trying to peek through the fogged up glass, and pouts when he realizes he’s too short to see anything significant. But before he can make a fuss, someone whisks him up into the air and deposits him lightly near the front door where his parents wait patiently. His mother gently places red mittens over his fingers, his father pulls a fluffy white hat over his ears, a matching scarf is wrapped carefully around his neck, and his puffy black jacket is zipped up tight. He feels like he is being hugged all over, warm, comforted, safe, like nothing can touch him, not even winter’s fierce, biting chill._

_Invincibile._

_He reaches out his hands for his parents to take, and suddenly he’s being lifted up onto the tall shoulders of his father. Adrien giggles and wiggles on his shoulders as his mother, now shorter than him, looks up and smiles. He giggles some more and points, delighted at this new development. What a wonder it is, to be above it all, to see and experience the world like this. It’s almost magical._

_Then they step out into the open air and Adrien’s eyes go wide._

_The snow is falling gently, muting the landscape into hues of white and grey, and it’s the most beautiful thing Adrien has ever seen. The ground is covered in patches of white with just the smallest flecks of brown grass still peeking through the surface. The air is chilly and the snowflakes landing on Adrien’s nose make him shiver, but the absolute miracle of it all helps him ignore the cold._

_Adrien’s father takes a few more steps into the yard before lifting Adrien once again and placing his feet in the thin, soft snow. He looks back up at the man and smiles wide when he sees a quick grin flash across his face._

_“Come, Adrien. Let me teach you how to make a proper snowball.” His father grabs his hand and begins to lead Adrien away towards a larger patch of snow, but before they reach it his father is pelted in the side, snow exploding in a small puff._

_“Oh, you mean like this?” Adrien’s mother smirks, lightly tossing a small snowball in her left hand before throwing it near his father’s head._

_The man stops and stares, looking affronted, and for a brief moment Adrien is afraid they’re going to fight. But to his shock, his father drops his hand and chuckles. He gathers up some snow, shapes it, and hands the newly formed ball to Adrien. “Throw this as hard as you can at your mother, okay?”_

_Adrien nods, and he does the best throw he can. It barely goes four feet before falling pitifully to the ground, eliciting more laughs from both his father and mother, and Adrien feels with stunning clarity that this is the happiest he has ever been._

Without warning, the memory shifts, and Adrien’s gut lurches.

He’s still standing in the snow, his parents are still there, but it’s...different. Everything’s shifted, skewed, tinted with a thin veil of an angry red...

Then everything changes.

He’s twelve years old, again, standing in the snow, being told his mother is never coming home.

He’s twelve years old, watching them lower a coffin that he knows is empty but it’s all they have.

He’s twelve years old, and his father stands over him like a statue, cold, unmoving.

He’s twelve years old, his family is gone, and Adrien screams.

He screams at the little five year old boy, giggling in the snow. He screams at the man with the red cheeks and crinkled eyes, who hasn’t looked that happy in years. He screams at the woman who should be alive, who should be there to hug him and give him advice and keep their family whole but she’s gone, she left him alone alone alone and _why why why would she do that why would she leave? How could she? How_ dare _she? She had_ no _right, none at all. It’s all her fault it’s all her fault it’s all her fault he hates her he-_

_(“Chat?”)_

_Stop._

...

This isn’t right.

_(“Chat Noir? Can you hear me?”)_

Adrien stops screaming, his voice feeling raw and spent. He looks at the environment around him, this scene frozen in time, and anguish replaces his rage.

When did this memory become replaced by the bitterness of the present? By this anger? It’s supposed to be safe from all this, to be full of hope and joy and love from when his family was whole and safe and happy. Not like...this. Anything but this. Adrien can’t have this moment wrenched from his grip too.

He clenches his eyes, demanding his mind to cooperate.

_The lilting laugh of his mother, the warmth of his father’s hands, the steadiness in their gaze-_

_(“Chat!”)_

_-sitting together by the fire, Mother tucking him in, Father kissing him goodnight-_

_(“Chat,_ please!” _)_

_The darkness, miraculously, ebbs._

Adrien emerges from the deep recesses of his mind, gasping, feeling like a bucket of ice water was dumped over his head.

“...Chat?”

Ladybug’s voice is soft and tentative, so distant from her usual tone of assuredness and confidence. She looks...scared? No, _worried._

Uh oh.

Chat feels his face warm up, embarrassed by whatever it was that she had to witness. “I’m sorry about that, m’lady. I’m okay now.”

Ladybug frowns, unconvinced, and cups his cheek lightly, wiping a tear he didn’t notice with her thumb. “Are you sure?”

Chat leans into her touch before nodding. “Yeah. I’m fine now, promise.”

She frowns again, but seems to accept his answer. “Okay. The akuma is in the top of Colére’s staff. I’ll distract him with this,” she holds up her yoyo and a small fan that was given as her lucky charm, “while you break the staff.”

Chat nods, trying to get his head back into the right mindset. “You got it, Buginette.”

The rest of the battle goes smoothly, after that. Of course Ladybug’s plan works flawlessly, which never ceases to leave Chat in awe, and he’s able to break Colére’s staff with a quick swipe of a hand. Ladybug throws her lucky charm in the air, and once again all is right with the world.

But even as he and Ladybug run off to de-transform somewhere private, Adrien can’t shake the cloud of negativity that’s shoved it’s way into his mind, unwelcomed. Ever since Colére held Adrien in his grip, he couldn’t shake this feeling of heaviness.

It seems that Ladybug noticed, because the moment they’ve both transformed, she’s enveloping him into a strong, warm hug,

“I’m okay, Marinette.” He tries to reassure her, but even now he isn’t sure his words are true.

“You keep saying that, but I saw you, Chaton. You were screaming. Whatever it was that Colére made you see, it wasn’t okay.”

“I just saw my family, Buginette. Really, it’s fine.”

Marinette gives him a stern look and Adrien already feels guilty for trying to brush it off. “Adrien, we’ve known each other for four years and have been dating for two of them. I know when you’re lying. Tell me what happened.”

Adrien sighs, leans against the alley wall, and sinks to the ground. “It was just...he invaded one of the few good memories of when my family was whole. I feel like he ruined something important.”

Marinette places a gently hand on his knee as she sits down next to him. “I’m so sorry, Adrien. That’s awful.”

He places a hand over hers and squeezes. “Thanks, Marinette. It just, it wouldn’t be so awful if I could actually talk to my father. He’s... he’s the only family I have, the only real connection I have to my mother and the way things used to be. But he’s... _never around_ and I don’t know if he would even want to talk if he had the opportunity.” Adrien scoffs and rubs has temples. “We’re not exactly close, in case you couldn’t tell.”

Marinette sighs, then suddenly his green eyes are staring into deep blue ones, cheeks squished between her hands. “First all, I’ve told you this before, but I’ll say it every day until you remember it, if I have to. He’s _not_ your only family, Adrien. You’ve got me, and Nino, and Alya, and Plagg, heck, even Chloe. You are never, ever alone. Okay?”

Adrien nods, cheeks still squished and warm from her touch. “Okay.”

God, he loves this woman.

“Good.” Marinette smiles and let’s go of his face, but she never breaks her gaze away. “That being said, I know how much you love Gabriel, and I know how much he loves you, even if he doesn’t always show it. It’s not too late, you know, for you to work things out with him. You said he’s in town for the rest of the week, right? What if you tried talking to him? I’m not saying it has to be about this, or anything groundbreaking, but just, _something_ , to remind yourself that he’s there? To open the door to communication between the both of you? Who knows, maybe you’ll be surprised.”

Adrien bites his lip. “Maybe.”

Marinette pulls his head in for a kiss. “I have to go now, Chaton, but if you decide to talk to him, let me know how it goes, okay?”

“Of course.”

She smiles as she heads out of the alley and around the corner. “I love you, Chaton.”

“I love you too, Buginette.”

* * *

 

Adrien sits on his bed as Plagg zips around the room, chattering on about something that Adrien isn’t paying attention to, and apparently the kwami notices because suddenly a piece of camembert is being thrown at his head.

“Hey!”

“Maybe if you were paying attention you could have avoided having cheese flung at you.”

“Sorry, I was just thinking.”

“About your dad, I presume?” Plagg asks as he zooms over to hover next to him.

“Yeah…”

“Are you going to talk to him? It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”

“It has, but...I don’t know…” And it really has been a while. For two people that live in the same house, they barely saw each other, let alone said hello. The distance between father and son has been building up for years and years, and Adrien knows that if something doesn’t change soon, the damage could be permanent. But that doesn’t make him any less reluctant.

“Well, for what it’s worth, I think you should.”

The sincerity in Plagg’s voice intrigues him. “And why’s that?”

Plagg shrugs. “Because I know you, and I know that, in spite of how angry you are, you don’t hate him, and if you let him go now it’ll be one of your biggest regrets.” He takes another bite of cheese. “And I don’t want to be the one you complain about your daddy issues to in ten years.”

Adrien rolls his eyes at that last comment, but he can’t help but admit that Plagg’s right. “Okay.”

“So you’ll talk to him?”

“Yeah, yeah I’ll talk to him.”

“Good. Now go before you change your mind. Oh, and kid?”

Adrien turns from his spot at the doorway. “Yeah?”

“Marinette’s right. I’ll always be here, as long as you’ll have me. And... I’m proud of you, even if your deadbeat dad isn’t. I hope that counts for something.”

“Thanks Plagg.” He smiles. “It does.”

* * *

 

Adrien stands at the door to his father’s office, hand raised to knock. The feeling of heaviness hasn’t left. Does he expect it to? Adrien doesn’t know, but he does know that he needs to to do this, no matter how it goes. Taking a deep breath, he raps on the door three times.

“Come in.” A faint voice filters through the walls, and Adrien walks through, his heart racing with each step.

His father doesn’t notice him at first. He continues to stare at his computer, engrossed in whatever work that is before him.

“Hello, Father.”

Mr. Agreste freezes. He slowly lifts his head up to meet Adrien’s gaze.

Then Adrien sees it.

_(He’s five, and his father is smiling down at him as he puts another snowball in his hand.)_

_(He’s six, and his father laughs as Adrien sticks out his tongue during his first photoshoot.)_

_(He’s eight, and his father says “I love you” before Adrien falls to sleep against his shoulder.)_

He’s seventeen, and his father gazes up at him from his deck, and emotions flit across his face like a movie screen. Disbelief, excitement, a touch of fear, but there’s one expression that Adrien will always recognize in his father’s face.

Love.

It’s in his lips upturned into the faintest of smiles and the slight crinkle of his eyes. It’s small, but it’s there. It’s familiar. It’s genuine. And Adrien knows what it means.

He feels the gap between them begin to shrink. He feels grounded, safe. A new memory falls in place beside the old.

“I’ve missed you.”

_“I’ve missed you too.”_

 

The darkness lifts.

**Author's Note:**

> I must say that writing this fic got me really inspired and there's a chance I'll write more fics in this universe, but we'll see.
> 
> Thanks for reading! Kudos, comments, and bookmarks are all appreciated.
> 
> As usual, you can hit me up at my tumblr [@sebayard](http://sebayard.tumblr.com/)


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